Positive Parenting

Originally published in 2008

Positive parenting

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending an event hosted by Cambria-Friesland High School. The school district hosted Bill Collar, a speaker, author and educator.

Collar spoke to teachers and students during the day, and a special seminar was held in the evening for parents. Although I went there as a reporter, Collar’s message about the importance of positive parenting appealed to me as a mother, too.

Collar was introduced by Jim Bylsma, who told the crowd about how much he admired and respected Collar. When a person you respect talks about someone they respect, you should pay close attention.
Collar shares Bylsma’s regard, and told the audience what a treasure they have in Bylsma.
“Coaching is teaching...teaching is coaching,” Collar said. “I’m proud to call Jim one of my friends.”
Collar, who has been honored as a “Wisconsin Coach of the Year,” “Wisconsin Social Studies Teacher of the Year” and “Wisconsin Teacher of the Year,” spoke about his background as a parent raising three daughters and his experiences as a teacher and coach in Seymour.
He said that no one in his family had ever gone to college. His father and grandfather owned a tavern. Collar shared a story about h a teacher who encouraged him to go to college and another teacher who told him it would be a miracle if he ever graduated from college. He set out to prove the second teacher wrong and attended UW-LaCrosse.
“I had a 4.0 in my first year,” Collar said. “A 1.8 the first semester and a 2.2 the second.”
He also said that he graduated in two terms - “Kennedy’s and Johnson’s.” Collar graduated after six years and went on to teach and coach.
Collar advised parents to “Keep one blind eye and one deaf ear” when it comes to what is going on in their kids’ lives, but that the most important thing when dealing with teenagers is communication.
“You must keep the lines of communication open,” Collar said.
Collar said that it is important to let your kids know you are proud of them, perhaps just as important as knowing that you love them. He also said that people learn from setbacks, and parents should not work too hard to shield children from failure.
“It’s OK for young people to fail at something. In fact, perhaps they will learn more from it.”
Collar talked about the importance of believing in yourself, and shared tips on how to be a champion in whatever you do, from school, sports and more and the value of preparation, self-discipline, commitment, loyalty, courage, respecting others and hard work.
Collar said that it was important to be a parent to your children, and not a grown-up friend, and used examples from raising his daughters to emphasize his point.
“I never needed friends, I needed daughters who respected me and knew I loved them.”
He also said that instead of focusing on “No” messages to your children like “don’t do drugs” and “don’t drink” to talk to them about making good decisions, and that you trust and believe in them.
After the session, Collar autographed copies of a book he wrote and offered parents copies of a workbook he put together for a student success seminar.
“Attitudes are contagious,” Collar said. “Be sure yours is worth catching.”

Be a parent, not a friend

Two of Bill Collar’s tips on positive parenting and helping your children succeed in school and extra-curricular ativities really resonated with me — his advice about focusing on being a parent to children and not a grown-up friend and that parents should help their kids explore financial aid options for college rather than having their child work too many hours at a part time job to earn money.
I sometimes fear that I am guilty of trying to be more of a friend to my son than a parent. I love to hear him laugh and we share a lot of the same taste in music. He’s pretty well-behaved in public, but with me he can be quite the smart aleck. It’s not entirely his fault, he comes from a long line of smart alecks. I just don’t think he has the healthy balance of fear and respect for me that I had for my parents.
My parents shared Collar’s no job for teens philosophy. They made sure my sister and I had what we needed, plus a small monthly allowance. The occasional babysitting job provided some extra cash. Other than that it was our “job” to be students, giving us plenty of time to focus on learning, sports and other activities and time with our friends. When it came time to pay for college, my parents split the cost of tuition and books 50-50 with me.